Manifesting with the Law of Attraction

“Forgiveness is the key that can unshackle us from a past that will not rest in the grave of things over and done with. As long as our minds are captive to the memory of having been wronged, they are not free to wish for reconciliation with the one who wronged us.” Lewis B. Smedes.

For over 20 years I carried a grudge, an anger closer to hatred of my own mother. I felt totally justified and was utterly convinced I had the right to express openly this anger against what I believed was my mother absence, lack of caring, love or any motherhood feelings toward me since the death of my father. In fact I drew my strength from these things to carry on with my life.

Only a few close friends knew about it and even when I started doing my relaxation studies I never thought this issue had anything to do with my search for mental harmony and the frustration of not being able to reach it completely.

My incessant moving around this planet from a country to another brought me personal and material satisfaction but left me with an empty feeling. Like a potted tree that hasn’t yet found mother earth’s ground in which to thrive.

When I decided to come back to Canada five years ago, little did I know that it would be the beginning of a journey which would take me back in time and reunite me with my mother.

My sister had arranged for us to meet and although I wasn’t too keen to do so I accepted. I was tense, arrogant and disagreeable when we met. As my mother tried to kiss me I pulled back and simply offered my hand for a handshake.

Her first words stayed engraved in my mind and heart for the days to come when she said, “All that I want is to ask if you could forgive me for not being the mother I wish I could have been, my son, I am so sorry…”
We met again a few days later and we talked openly about our pains, hurts, sorrows and expectations. It was the first time I saw my mother as a woman and as a human being; not as before, from a child’s point of view. My father’s untimely passing away at thirty two left a beautiful young widow of twenty six years old with four children, the youngest 25 days old to take care of, a few cattle ranches and a retail business in a male-oriented society. Having only an aging father and a younger sister in Brazil, she was alone and against all odds, she succeeded in raising her family.

Compassion and understanding gave me the strength not only to forgive her, but to forgive myself for the senseless pain I inflicted myself and the guilt it carries with it.

We became very close again, and slowly the whole family seemed to come closer and closer. I soon found out that forgiveness is a positive energy that spreads much quicker than I thought. I have nephews, nieces, cousins that are now a integral positive part of my life. A new route was opening on my path and the writing of Dream Your Life Positively came an year after.

A well documented site on this subject is “A Campaign for Forgiveness Research”* where I found some important examples cited here. Each time we witness an act of forgiveness, we marvel at its power to heal, to break a seemingly unending cycle of pain.

Forgiveness is something virtually all Americans aspire to. A Gallup poll nationwide survey, 94% said it was important to forgive, but it is not something we frequently offer. (In the same survey, only 48% said they usually tried to forgive others.)

Perhaps this is because forgiveness is something we don’t fully understand, or we associate forgiveness with weakness as Friedrich Nietzsche did.

Some view forgiveness as an almost saintly quality that blesses only the very special and most certainly cannot be learned. In fact, the opposite is true, forgiveness is a sign of strength. Research conducted at the University of Wisconsin in 1997 indicates forgiveness can be taught and with positive results.

When I told a friend of mine that if she wanted to find a healthier source of strength after her separation from an abusive husband, she must forgive him before she could find her own way to happiness. “After what I have been through with that bastard? When hell freezes over…” was her answer.

I suggested she try the three affirmations below for a few weeks and see if she still felt the same way.

- I am good, compassionate and I have now the strength to forgive.

- I deserve to be happy and successful.

- I am now ready to receive more love, support and wealth from the vast supply of the universe.

After two weeks of affirmations she told me that the most difficult thing was to think of him and all the bad incidents. The pain, despair and guilt would come back but she now understood that she wanted to be able to forgive and in her prayers she asked God to help her to forgive.

I knew then she had found her path.

According to Professor Douglas Kelley of Arizona State University West, the key to long-term conjugal bliss may be in how well a couple communicates forgiveness.

” Forgiving is not condoning; hurtful actions have consequences. Yet couples who communicate forgiveness may hold the key to stable marriages. What makes some marriages last a lifetime, while others falter and fall apart? These days the notion of equality, an eye for an eye, is prominent,” says Kelley. “That makes forgiveness counter-intuitive – but at the same time a lot of people who don’t call themselves religious or spiritual are forgiving one another. Is it because they sense that they will reap the benefits of forgiving for years to come, or is there some other motive?”

In the end, Kelley hopes that embracing and communicating forgiveness can provide a sense of well-being and stability for couples living in an increasingly stressed society.

Forgiving doesn’t change what has past, neither does it justify or makes it all right. It allows you to focus on your life from a pain free emotional state. The past no longer makes you cringe, cry or swear. Forgiveness simply helps you to let go of that negative baggage and makes a place for all the positive things you wish to have.

I know a lot of people who after a lover’s break up or a friend’s betrayal have vowed “I will never let anyone hurt me like that again.” It is quite justifiable, this is your survival instinct, a protective shield taking over, but be careful that this shield will also prevent you from connecting with new people and eventually making new friends.

This is a negative living, and most people are not even aware of it. Forgiveness is letting go of that negative emotional baggage and starting on a new path stronger than before.

It is very difficult, I know, to accept the fact that someone you loved and trusted, who have betrayed and stabbed you in the back, deserves your forgiveness.

When I lost a best friend of 25 years to what I thought was petty gossip, I was devastated and questioned the sincerity of her friendship all these years.

After forgiving her I can now look back and laugh at the good moments we had together. Sincerity is no longer a question, my love for her is the same, but I no longer need to see, speak or interact with her. Our roads just took different directions, that’s all.

Make an assessment of the people in your life, and the ones who are gone. What are your feelings about them? Is there someone you feel “I dislike (or hate) that SOB” either for personal reasons or because of malicious gossips? Or is there someone you distanced from and in your book is unforgivable?

You are carrying a heavy negative emotional baggage. Get rid of it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE if you want the good energy of a positive living to reach you.

An important, well documented and proven factor is that your anger, hurt and pain not only will affect the way you communicate with others, but eventually will exclude you from social contact. Your self worth is constantly being questioned and if you don’t take action it will eventually breakdown.

“Forgiveness allows one to overcome a situation that would otherwise be a major source of stress, both mentally and neurobiological. Forgiveness is thought to dramatically change the individual’s biological homeostatic equilibrium. He will assess the neurobiological response associated with forgiveness and unforgiving-ness.” Study of the Brain Functional Correlates of Forgiveness in Humans -Pietro Pietrini, M.D., Ph.D., Pisa – Italy.

Forgiveness benefits both, but you the most, because you left the negative baggage behind. You are now ready to receive the positive force, energy, love, wealth and success the universe have in store for you.
The other person doesn’t even needs to know, it is irrelevant. Neither do you have to bring that person into your life or closer circle any more. What matters is your thoughts and therefore your actions. If it is clean, clear and positive, so will your life, your friends and your future be.

“Forgiveness is both a decision and a real change in emotional experience. That change in emotion is related to better mental and physical health.”

Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Ph.D. Executive Director, A Campaign For Forgiveness Research.
From a decade-old grudge against the third-grade bully to deep-seated rage against a cheating spouse, millions of Americans harbor long-term grievances. Dr. Carl Thoresen, a professor at Stanford University, and his colleague, Dr. Fred Luskin, are exploring whether the unresolved anger that blights many people’s lives can be alleviated with the help of an age-old concept: forgiveness. Together, the pair launched a comprehensive research project: The Stanford Forgiveness Study. Thoresen and Luskin hope the impact of their work will be preventative as well as therapeutic.

“It’s our hope that family and school violence, including shootings, road rage, gang violence and workplace conflict will be diminished – if not avoided – if more people understand the role that forgiveness can play in interpersonal relations,” says Thoresen, “It takes courage and commitment to act in a more forgiving fashion. It’s not at all a sign of weakness but a mark of strength.”

Dr. Carl Thoresen is a professor of Education, Psychology and Psychiatry at Stanford University. Dr. Fred Luskin is a research associate at the Stanford Center for Research in Disease Prevention.

Have a great journey
Ton Pascal

Tags: compassion, forgiveness, happiness, Positive Affirmations, Positive Thinking, Spirituality

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Much has been written about forgiveness. Everywhere you turn people are saying you have to forgive, yet few people likely understand the process of true forgiving. For true healing, forgiveness is essential. The same holds true for the idea of compassion. Yet I have learned that going from anger straight to compassion does not bring about true forgiveness. It only creates a sense of pseudo forgiveness. Many people try to go from hurt or anger straight to compassion.

It most often fails unless they fully understand the deeper process. In most cases the shortcut backfires or they have only repressed their anger. While you maintain an air of forgiveness, you may find yourself easily triggered when speaking of the original event, or you find yourself reacting emotionally when the issue is raised.

I have found that the following steps bring about lasting forgiveness when implemented and practiced on a daily basis. I’ve had many things to forgive, so I’ve had practice. I’ve noticed that it is easy to fall back into a trap of non-forgiveness and resentment unless you make it a daily habit to forgive. Why forgive? You forgive so that you can stop harming yourself through resentment and begin to move into a state of happiness and gratitude.

Stage 1- Admit You Are Angry!

Many of us will echo the thoughts “What? I’m not supposed to get angry! I’ve done all this healing work!” I’ve learned that it is harmful to get angry but it is more harmful to be angry and not admit it! The way to check if you are angry is to observe your inner dialogue about how you are relating to yourself and others. Are you finding yourself being negative, critical or frustrated? Do you find yourself being impatient with people and critical of how things are done? Are you constantly blaming others for your troubles, wishing that others would change? If so, then it is likely you are angry. Try to recognize what you are angry about. It may not be the little things, but something that happened months ago. Look back in time to what might have triggered your anger and where your expression has been blocked. Bitterness is anger with no outlet to be heard or feeling that you can not change anything. It is a form of helplessness. Try to discover what you are bitter about. Make a list of resentments. Don’t hold back or edit your thoughts. Being honest with yourself is the first step in healing anger.

Stage 2- Acknowledge the Loss and Consequences

In order to fully forgive, you need to look at the consequences of the event. By consequences, I do not mean just emotional pain. Look at the past and the present, and honestly note any changes. Were you physically injured? Were you emotionally hurt? Did you suffer financial loss? What other types of losses occurred? Was there harm to other relationships? To achieve lasting forgiveness it is important to acknowledge all the losses, otherwise forgiveness will have to be revisited. When listing the losses and consequences, try to look objectively at the incident without investing in the emotions around the losses at this time.

Stage 3 – Submit to a Feeling of Vulnerability

The next stage in forgiveness is to open your self up to change and dissonance. You can not spread butter when it is hard and cold. Forgiveness does not come easily when your ideas, thoughts of revenge or justice are hardened. You must retreat and re-examine your approach. Just like a pound of butter, if you want to forgive and heal, you need to let your ideas thaw and be molded into a new perspective, combined with other ideas and views. You need to admit that to harbor anger and resentments violates the laws of kindness and compassion both for yourself and other people. You must realize that in not forgiving, you are now betraying the person at whom you are angry. This is not an easy step. It can be painful to realize that it is you who needs to change, and that it is you who has the poison of anger and resentment. It is easy to build up a wall of justification around your thoughts, actions and feelings regarding the harm done to you. In order to heal and forgive, you need to break through the wall and tear it down completely!

This stage of forgiveness also requires you look at whether there was any responsibility on your part. In some cases there was none, in some cases, you may have taken action which contributed to the decision. In this case, it may be hard for you to admit that you caused part of your own suffering as it is easier to blame others than to take any responsibility. This stage requires an honest, fearless, kind and moral inventory of your own actions and behavior. Sometimes you may not like what you find, but facing your shadow can be one of the most powerful healing experiences. See if you can find some common ground.

Stage 4 – Stop Punishing

One of the common behaviors of people is to try to punish those who have harmed us. Most studies have shown that punishment rarely teaches anything other than to resent the person doing the punishing! Some of the ways you may punish are by withholding companionship, giving someone the silent treatment, or even giving compliments but then taking it back with an insult. You may try to go further with legal action, or you may try to damage things that the other person prizes. Another method of punishment is gossiping about the other person. In order to truly forgive, you need to give up the expectation that the other person will be punished. You can ask that the other person make amends for their harm, but if they refuse or are unable to make amends, then releasing them from the idea of punishment frees you from lingering resentment.

There is great wisdom in the following Buddhist teaching – “Should one person ignorantly do wrong, and another ignorantly becomes angry with him, who would be at fault? And who would be without fault?” It is far better to try to forgive, and reintegrate your friends back into community than to ostracize and alienate them through punishment. Try to practice compassion, work at developing a deeper understanding of how and why people behave. It seems that we prefer a simple explanation of things, yet you need to understand that human beings and the relationships between each other are complex. Understanding the ways of the world and the people in the world requires wisdom and self control. Use the opportunity to forgive as a means of growth!

Stage 5 – Identify Some Good in the Other Person

This step, finding some good in the other person is probably the most crucial step in bringing about lasting forgiveness. It can also be the hardest depending on the severity of the event you are trying to forgive.

According to Francis Bacon, the key to forgiveness is in “not expecting the other to change, to give love, to be kind and develop the ability to see that in everyone else’s eyes and heart there is some good.” In forgiving, you try not to think of yourself as being good and the other person bad. You can find it easier to forgive if you can understand that the other person has difficulties too, or was harmed in the past.

If you do not practice this step, then forgiveness will be futile because it will be done with a sense of contempt for the other person. If you can not find good in the other person, then at least pray for them. A wonderful technique for developing your vision of good in another is to imagine a seed of goodness in their heart, and in prayer imagine that both you and God are watering it to make it grow stronger. Better yet is to image that each person already has this great flower of goodness in them already. Admit that it has been obscured from your view because of your anger, resentment and justifications. Learn to look for the good. At first, like developing any skill, it is challenging. You will become better at it with practice!

Stage 6 – Develop Genuine Neutrality

Hopefully in the process of forgiveness you will come to resolve any negative emotions and thoughts about yourself and the other person or organization. To do so requires that you do not expect or demand any payment or restitution after forgiveness. You must assume that there is no debt owed to you. Mother Theresa once said “it is between God and myself, it was never between me and them anyway.” This must be practiced daily. It is easy to slip into anger and resentment if you do not cultivate a practice of neutrality. Depending on the severity of the event, you may choose to not have any further contact with the person, but if you meet them by chance, you want to have a sense of neutrality and a sense of calmness instead of avoidance.

Stage 7 – Stay in the Present

“Bury the hatchet” is a phrase you may have heard many times. There is wisdom to this phrase if you understand its original meaning. The phrase comes from spiritual traditions of North American Indians who would put all weapons out of site while smoking a peace pipe. For your own forgiveness work, you must keep the original wound out of sight, or out of present mind. It is necessary to acknowledge what happened, to not forget it, but also not drag it up again as a fresh wound. Resurrecting the event and bringing it up again with the person who harmed you will cause you to feel the associated feelings again. Balance your memory of the event with your memory of the forgiveness work you have done. Practice loving those you don’t feel warmth towards.

All of your forgiveness work can be undone, and the resentment rekindled if you begin to dwell on the event again. If you begin to rerun your mind’s movie of the harm, then you may find yourself in an angry and hurt state again. It is the nature of your mind to ruminate, and therefore you must develop self-discipline and remind yourself that you have completed forgiveness work around this issue. Thank your mind for the intrusive thought, and send it off into the far reaches of the universe! Refuse to bring the past into the present again, as it will re-trigger you back into hurt and anger. Continually rise above the injury! Practice compassion and unconditional love towards all people!

The Article Above is An Excerpt from
The Feeling Soul – A Roadmap to Healing and Living
By Mark Linden O’Meara
Available at Amazon.com

© Mark Linden O’Meara lives in Vancouver, where he loves to sing, write and teach.

Tags: anger, compassion, gratitude, inner dialogue, negative emotions, state of happiness, true forgiveness

Have you ever noticed how good things happen to good people? There’s no mistake here. These people didn’t just “get lucky” but instead were proactive within their lives as opposed to simply reacting to things as they occur. They created the experiences they have beginning with the thoughts they think. How does this work?

Positive thoughts lead to positive feelings. These feelings lead to positive emotions. These emotions then promote positive behaviors. Finally, the positive behavior creates positive outcomes. In applying these steps to a real example, it may look something like this.

Let’s say you’re thinking about how nice it will be to spend some quality time with someone you love. Just thinking about the time you’ll spend makes you feel good. Maybe you’re feeling content, loved and happy. Those feelings lead to positive emotions such as love or joy. When you’re experiencing emotions such as love or joy, you’re more inclined to behave in a way which is in line with those feelings. Maybe you’re more supportive, loving or compassionate as a result. Because you’re more supportive or compassionate, you have more to give and behave in a manner which is conducive to showing your compassion. You may be more inclined to say or do something nice to someone, simply because you feel good.

Your random act of kindness (whether through words or deeds) may just be what the person on the other end needed. Maybe they were having a difficult day and your kind word or gesture enabled them to gain a better perspective and turn their day around. The immediate outcome may be that you’ve helped another person smile, feel valued or appreciated. The more extended outcome is that they now experience more positive thoughts which then turn it into a feeling, emotion, behavior and the cycle continues.

This entire scenario all came from just one of your positive thoughts! We have millions of thoughts throughout the course of a typical day. If more of them were positive, can you see how powerful this can be?

So if becoming a more positive thinker is on your to-do list, here are a few simple ways to begin.

1. Retrain your negative thoughts. For every negative thought you have, counter it with something positive. For example, “I’m so fat” can be countered with “I’m making healthy changes every day.”

2. Show gratitude. Here’s where you acknowledge, validate and appreciate all that you have. You recognize how blessed you are and show appreciation for all that you have and see.

3. Read positive quotes/books. Get ideas and inspiration from gurus, teachers and mentors. Learn how others create a positive outlook and get ideas from them. Also, learning from others can show you how they’ve managed difficult situations. It’s a great way to learn how they’ve turned obstacles into opportunities and used adversity as a learning tool or stepping stone to achieve something better.

4. Surround yourself with positive people. Just as how laughter is infectious, the positive thoughts, emotions and feelings from others can be infectious too. Besides being more positive, these people are also much more pleasant to be around.

5. Believe. Believe you can be a more positive thinker. You will or won’t become a more positive thinker based on your belief that you can or can’t.

6. Laugh. Not only does laughter feel good, but it’s good for your health. Studies show that laughter promotes the release of “feel good” chemicals within your body which helps to strengthen the immune system. What a funny reason to lighten up!

7. Control your thoughts. While you can’t control many things, you can always control your reaction to them. That means that an unfortunate situation can be either a minor bump in the road or a complete devastation…it’s up to you.

This holiday season, there will be many opportunities to become angry and upset or enlightened and enriched. The choice is always yours but as long as you do have a choice, why not choose to become a more positive thinker. By helping yourself you never know just how many other lives you may touch as a result.

Tags: act of kindness, compassion, emotion, emotions, experiences, positive feelings, positive thoughts, smile