Law of Attraction and Manifesting Your Desires

Is a grudge-laden heart sabotaging your success in business and in life?

Much has been written over the ages about the value of forgiveness. And yet so many people continue to resist the idea of forgiving their transgressors. Why is this?

I believe there are a couple of factors at play.

First, although people might want to forgive, they don’t want the culprit to “get off scot-free.”

Let’s examine this more closely. There are many misconceptions about forgiveness, so I would like to point out what forgiveness does NOT do. (We shall refer to the transgressor as X.)

~ Forgiveness does NOT condone the actions of your perpetrator X. ~

By forgiving X, you are not saying that what X did was okay. You’re just willing to quit stewing about it. Chances are, it wasn’t okay, but there’s not much you can do to change history. It happened, it’s over, get over it. Don’t let it ruin your peace of mind a moment longer.

~ Forgiveness does NOT diminish the severity of the transgression. ~

By forgiving X, you are not saying that the harm he caused you was of no consequence. Indeed, you may still be dealing with the negative results of his actions. But by being willing to forgive X, you are allowing yourself to quit wasting precious energy on anger and put it to good use building yourself up instead. You survived the transgression. Now it’s time for you to thrive.

~ Forgiveness does NOT absolve X of his guilt. ~

Even if you were willing to, you could not clear X’s conscience for him. He will have to appeal to a higher celestial court for absolution. That is between X and his conscience; it is not your affair.

So you see, forgiveness does not let the other guy off the hook. It lets YOU off the hook.

By refusing to forgive the other person, you are condemning yourself to being stuck. And this “being stuck” tends to infiltrate and poison every area of one’s life. It’s a bit like trying to drive your car with the brakes on.

Consider forgiveness as a gift you give to yourself.

Now let’s look at another nearly opposite reaction. Some people are quick to claim blanket forgiveness for everyone and everything, without even knowing what it is they are pardoning.

This is a fine gesture, but it is hardly effective. Why? Because you cannot forgive a transgression which has never been acknowledged.

You can’t just leapfrog over all the buried pain and expect relief. You must first acknowledge the harm that was done.

The acknowledgement consists of:

* Admitting the harmful nature of what was done to you.
* Feeling the pain that you’ve struggled unconsciously for years to keep down.
* Expressing the anger that accompanies these realizations (by writing, exercising, beating a pillow, wailing, thrashing about, etc.)
* Mourning your loss. (Sadness, unlike depression, is a healing force and it will pass.)
* Forgiving your transgressor.
* Experiencing a new vitality as you reclaim formerly disowned parts of your being.

Important: You don’t need to confront anyone or involve anyone else in this process. This is done in privacy and purely for your own release and relief.

Some people try to dismiss the need for this process by saying such things as, “Well, it doesn’t matter now. That was so long ago.” Or maybe, “Things were different back in the old country. None of that makes any difference anymore.”

When dealing with profound harm sustained in the past, we need to be aware of the inconsequential nature of distance and time. In other words, a serious emotional injury sustained long ago and maybe even far away does NOT just wither away into nothingness if you ignore it.

The damage is very real and it has serious ongoing repercussions if it is not squarely faced and dealt with. People fear that acknowledging great harm done will unleash hateful and violent acts. Quite the contrary. It is these “unconscious grudges” that we carry in our hearts that result in cruelty. Often this escapes our conscious awareness.

It is also these unacknowledged wounds, waiting like frightened children at the “Lost and Found” that result in depression.

It takes tremendous psychic energy to keep stuffing those strong, raw emotions down and keep them in check, especially when we’re not even aware of exactly what it is we are hiding from!

I would like to stress once again, suppressed pain and stifled anger will not go away just because you ignore them. They will dissipate only in the face of acknowledgement.

By following the steps outlined above, you will naturally arrive at a place where you are ready to exercise forgiveness. You will have reached a place where you are sick and tired of wasting mental and psychic energy on nursing painful grudges.

You will no longer wish to tolerate any nasty pangs of resentment. It will become unacceptable to send your thoughts into a mental sewer just so that you can keep your offender in his place.

An act of pardon will evolve naturally as we honor our true feelings. This does not mean that we have to go and broadcast what we find to the world. It simply means that we ourselves have to be willing to look at and see the Truth.

As a parting note, let us strive to remember that forgiveness is not a self-righteous act of virtue or altruism. It is not cause for arrogance or fanfare or a holier-than-thou attitude.

The decision to forgive is supremely practical and self-affirming. Self-affirmation is what people need most. And only we can do this for ourselves.

Tags: absolution, anger, forgiveness, grudge, guilt, peace of mind

Teaches you how to forgive, step by step. Forgiveness allows you to upgrade how you feel about your past, and get on happily with your life.

The past cannot be undone. What you change is how you feel about it.

Make The Change Happen

How are you going to do it, my friend? You’re all done feeling wretched all the time, you know forgive does not mean forget, you are soooo ready, but you need a plan. Read on, my friend, and find out how to get the benefits of forgiveness for yourself. Right now.

Guilt and Hatred Are Killers

Ask any doctor. Stress is a killer. This is because your body and mind are a continuum. In other words, although they are not entirely the same, a great overlap exists that unites them. Relieve your mental stress and your body will be happier too. Nothing relieves mental stress like forgiveness. Guilt and hatred resolve nothing; they just sustain the negativity that continues to obstruct you from your goals. Forgiveness, on the other hand, undoes the stickiness that binds you to an unhappy past.

Does It Work?

Absolutely - for you. Since the forgiveness experience will happen only for you, only you will receive its benefits. Your forgiveness may not influence a change in the behavior of others one bit. But it’s not about them. It’s about you. Forgiveness is about generating your own healing. You are the only player in your life over whom you have all the power. It’s time to exercise your personal power, your right to choose to feel better about who you are, your right to process your past and move on with your life.

It’s a Private Thing

Since forgiving is all about you getting your own heart clear, it’s best done in the privacy of your own mind. Afterwards you’ll have the choice of telling others, if you like, but initially the process works best in solitude. Tell no one, just do the work. And watch how easy it is to feel better all day every day. Contrast this to the fact that all the pity parties in the world with your friends and relatives never made you feel better one bit. Those tactics don’t work because they don’t process emotions, they merely create a feedback loop that deepens the groove of the pain. Since you know that what you used to do didn’t work, it’s time to do what does.

Forgive in Steps

Like a pyramid, forgiveness may seem overwhelming at first, but it’s easily accomplished step by step. So begin by recognizing that there are three sections:

.forgiveness of others
.self-forgiveness
.receiving forgiveness from others

And these can be further broken down into nicely manageable chunks.

Forgiveness of Others

When you forgive others in categories, it proceeds more easily. For example, you could choose to use the categories of Strangers, Friends, Family, The People who Hurt You The Most, and Anybody Else. You may include additional categories like Exlovers, Neighbors, Coworkers, Employees, etc., and some forgivers need to add the category of Humanity Itself. And you can start with the categories you find easiest. Once you notice how good it feels to forgive, this will inspire you to forgive everyone as much as possible, as fully as you can.

Self Forgiveness

In this step, start with your earliest years and ascend: Newborn, three year old, five year old, ten year old, teenager, 20s, etc., and on up to your current age, forgiving yourself thoroughly for absolutely everything as you go. Once you get to your current age, forgive yourself for your whole life. Remember, all humans are flawed. No one is a perfect son or daughter, man or woman, husband or wife, student or teacher, worker or boss. You are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. Forgiveness is an optimal method to process your learnings.

Receiving Forgiveness from Others

In the privacy of your own mind, visualize then apologize to folks you’ve wronged, and let them accept your apology. It may surprise you to learn that others really want to forgive you. They do. So let them forgive you and receive the cleansing of that forgiveness. Afterwards, with some people, you may elect to actually apologize to them in person, but proceed carefully. There are a few folks in the world who can not accept apologies in real life, and this is why you process all of your apologies in your mind’s eye thoroughly first, so that you get the emotional benefit of having apologized whether those apologies get accepted in real life or not.

Forgive by Percentages in Repeated Attempts

Can you forgive the people who hurt you the most 10%? 20%? 80%? 99.9%? It’s not all or nothing. Ease on up to higher and higher percentages, always aiming for 100% forgiveness, but being real with yourself. If the people who hurt you the most are not 100% forgiveable on your first attempt, continue forgiving them bit by bit till you get as close to full forgiveness as possible. Start with a realistic percentage, then increase your forgiveness on subsequent attempts, always aiming for 100%. Just do your best.

Forgiving People Versus Events

It can be one thing to forgive individual people, and can yet be quite another thing to forgive the things those people did. What to do? Forgive the events and actions as they come to mind. As you think of instance after instance, forgive everyone involved as best you can for everything that happened.

Is There An Easier Way?

Yes, there is an easier way. “The Forgiveness Pyramid” CD takes you through all the steps in under an hour. Using emotive visualization, you’ll be able to have the full forgiveness experience privately, in your own time, in your own home. You are unique, and may find that some steps in the “Forgiveness Pyramid” require repeated listening for full relief. And full relief is what you want.

Tags: anger, forgiveness, hatred, healing, Life, mental stress, negativity, personal power

Much has been written about forgiveness. Everywhere you turn people are saying you have to forgive, yet few people likely understand the process of true forgiving. For true healing, forgiveness is essential. The same holds true for the idea of compassion. Yet I have learned that going from anger straight to compassion does not bring about true forgiveness. It only creates a sense of pseudo forgiveness. Many people try to go from hurt or anger straight to compassion.

It most often fails unless they fully understand the deeper process. In most cases the shortcut backfires or they have only repressed their anger. While you maintain an air of forgiveness, you may find yourself easily triggered when speaking of the original event, or you find yourself reacting emotionally when the issue is raised.

I have found that the following steps bring about lasting forgiveness when implemented and practiced on a daily basis. I’ve had many things to forgive, so I’ve had practice. I’ve noticed that it is easy to fall back into a trap of non-forgiveness and resentment unless you make it a daily habit to forgive. Why forgive? You forgive so that you can stop harming yourself through resentment and begin to move into a state of happiness and gratitude.

Stage 1- Admit You Are Angry!

Many of us will echo the thoughts “What? I’m not supposed to get angry! I’ve done all this healing work!” I’ve learned that it is harmful to get angry but it is more harmful to be angry and not admit it! The way to check if you are angry is to observe your inner dialogue about how you are relating to yourself and others. Are you finding yourself being negative, critical or frustrated? Do you find yourself being impatient with people and critical of how things are done? Are you constantly blaming others for your troubles, wishing that others would change? If so, then it is likely you are angry. Try to recognize what you are angry about. It may not be the little things, but something that happened months ago. Look back in time to what might have triggered your anger and where your expression has been blocked. Bitterness is anger with no outlet to be heard or feeling that you can not change anything. It is a form of helplessness. Try to discover what you are bitter about. Make a list of resentments. Don’t hold back or edit your thoughts. Being honest with yourself is the first step in healing anger.

Stage 2- Acknowledge the Loss and Consequences

In order to fully forgive, you need to look at the consequences of the event. By consequences, I do not mean just emotional pain. Look at the past and the present, and honestly note any changes. Were you physically injured? Were you emotionally hurt? Did you suffer financial loss? What other types of losses occurred? Was there harm to other relationships? To achieve lasting forgiveness it is important to acknowledge all the losses, otherwise forgiveness will have to be revisited. When listing the losses and consequences, try to look objectively at the incident without investing in the emotions around the losses at this time.

Stage 3 - Submit to a Feeling of Vulnerability

The next stage in forgiveness is to open your self up to change and dissonance. You can not spread butter when it is hard and cold. Forgiveness does not come easily when your ideas, thoughts of revenge or justice are hardened. You must retreat and re-examine your approach. Just like a pound of butter, if you want to forgive and heal, you need to let your ideas thaw and be molded into a new perspective, combined with other ideas and views. You need to admit that to harbor anger and resentments violates the laws of kindness and compassion both for yourself and other people. You must realize that in not forgiving, you are now betraying the person at whom you are angry. This is not an easy step. It can be painful to realize that it is you who needs to change, and that it is you who has the poison of anger and resentment. It is easy to build up a wall of justification around your thoughts, actions and feelings regarding the harm done to you. In order to heal and forgive, you need to break through the wall and tear it down completely!

This stage of forgiveness also requires you look at whether there was any responsibility on your part. In some cases there was none, in some cases, you may have taken action which contributed to the decision. In this case, it may be hard for you to admit that you caused part of your own suffering as it is easier to blame others than to take any responsibility. This stage requires an honest, fearless, kind and moral inventory of your own actions and behavior. Sometimes you may not like what you find, but facing your shadow can be one of the most powerful healing experiences. See if you can find some common ground.

Stage 4 – Stop Punishing

One of the common behaviors of people is to try to punish those who have harmed us. Most studies have shown that punishment rarely teaches anything other than to resent the person doing the punishing! Some of the ways you may punish are by withholding companionship, giving someone the silent treatment, or even giving compliments but then taking it back with an insult. You may try to go further with legal action, or you may try to damage things that the other person prizes. Another method of punishment is gossiping about the other person. In order to truly forgive, you need to give up the expectation that the other person will be punished. You can ask that the other person make amends for their harm, but if they refuse or are unable to make amends, then releasing them from the idea of punishment frees you from lingering resentment.

There is great wisdom in the following Buddhist teaching – “Should one person ignorantly do wrong, and another ignorantly becomes angry with him, who would be at fault? And who would be without fault?” It is far better to try to forgive, and reintegrate your friends back into community than to ostracize and alienate them through punishment. Try to practice compassion, work at developing a deeper understanding of how and why people behave. It seems that we prefer a simple explanation of things, yet you need to understand that human beings and the relationships between each other are complex. Understanding the ways of the world and the people in the world requires wisdom and self control. Use the opportunity to forgive as a means of growth!

Stage 5 – Identify Some Good in the Other Person

This step, finding some good in the other person is probably the most crucial step in bringing about lasting forgiveness. It can also be the hardest depending on the severity of the event you are trying to forgive.

According to Francis Bacon, the key to forgiveness is in “not expecting the other to change, to give love, to be kind and develop the ability to see that in everyone else’s eyes and heart there is some good.” In forgiving, you try not to think of yourself as being good and the other person bad. You can find it easier to forgive if you can understand that the other person has difficulties too, or was harmed in the past.

If you do not practice this step, then forgiveness will be futile because it will be done with a sense of contempt for the other person. If you can not find good in the other person, then at least pray for them. A wonderful technique for developing your vision of good in another is to imagine a seed of goodness in their heart, and in prayer imagine that both you and God are watering it to make it grow stronger. Better yet is to image that each person already has this great flower of goodness in them already. Admit that it has been obscured from your view because of your anger, resentment and justifications. Learn to look for the good. At first, like developing any skill, it is challenging. You will become better at it with practice!

Stage 6 – Develop Genuine Neutrality

Hopefully in the process of forgiveness you will come to resolve any negative emotions and thoughts about yourself and the other person or organization. To do so requires that you do not expect or demand any payment or restitution after forgiveness. You must assume that there is no debt owed to you. Mother Theresa once said “it is between God and myself, it was never between me and them anyway.” This must be practiced daily. It is easy to slip into anger and resentment if you do not cultivate a practice of neutrality. Depending on the severity of the event, you may choose to not have any further contact with the person, but if you meet them by chance, you want to have a sense of neutrality and a sense of calmness instead of avoidance.

Stage 7 – Stay in the Present

“Bury the hatchet” is a phrase you may have heard many times. There is wisdom to this phrase if you understand its original meaning. The phrase comes from spiritual traditions of North American Indians who would put all weapons out of site while smoking a peace pipe. For your own forgiveness work, you must keep the original wound out of sight, or out of present mind. It is necessary to acknowledge what happened, to not forget it, but also not drag it up again as a fresh wound. Resurrecting the event and bringing it up again with the person who harmed you will cause you to feel the associated feelings again. Balance your memory of the event with your memory of the forgiveness work you have done. Practice loving those you don’t feel warmth towards.

All of your forgiveness work can be undone, and the resentment rekindled if you begin to dwell on the event again. If you begin to rerun your mind’s movie of the harm, then you may find yourself in an angry and hurt state again. It is the nature of your mind to ruminate, and therefore you must develop self-discipline and remind yourself that you have completed forgiveness work around this issue. Thank your mind for the intrusive thought, and send it off into the far reaches of the universe! Refuse to bring the past into the present again, as it will re-trigger you back into hurt and anger. Continually rise above the injury! Practice compassion and unconditional love towards all people!

The Article Above is An Excerpt from
The Feeling Soul - A Roadmap to Healing and Living
By Mark Linden O’Meara
Available at Amazon.com

© Mark Linden O’Meara lives in Vancouver, where he loves to sing, write and teach.

Tags: anger, compassion, gratitude, inner dialogue, negative emotions, state of happiness, true forgiveness